I HAVE TRAVELED DOWN THE ROAD OF LOVE. ALMOST 60 AND I'M SURE I KNOW WHAT IT ISN'T. FOR ME IT IS PAINFUL. IT STINGS. IT'S GONNA HURT A LITTLE AS THEY SAY AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE BUT IT HURTS MUCH MORE. IT IS A SEARING PAIN INSIDE RATHER THEN OUTSIDE YOU. I WEAR MY SCARS. ON MY SKIN IN MY LAYERS OF FAT AND IN MY BROKEN HEART. I REALIZED THAT IF LOVE DOESN'T HURT I CAN'T FEEL. MY STRANGE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS..KEEPER OF SECRETS, GIFTS BESTOWED AS HUSH MONEY, SCARS COVERED IN YEARS OF DISBELIEF. TO DATE I AM STILL UNABLE TO DETERMINE IF TRUTH IS TRUE BECAUSE I CANNOT RELY ON MY EYES AND EARS. SO ON I CHOOSE. BROKEN PIECES OF HUMAN WASTE, TRYING TO FEIN SOME SORT OF LOVING LIFE. DESPERATELY HOLDING ONTO A MARRIAGE WITH NO. FORESEEABLE RETURN ON THE VALUE KF WHAT LOVE MIGHT BE. ALWAYS GIVING AND SOMETIMES REWARDED WITH THE SMALL CRUMB OF A SEARING PAINFUL, VALUELESS EPISODE THAT MIGHT LOOK LIKE RECIPROCATED LOVE IF I INDEED KNEW WHAT LOVE LOOKED LIKE. MY MARRIAGE A QUARTER CENTURY OF GIVE. SO I GO. TAKING A DEEP BREATH NOW. I NEED TO LET GO. LET GO OF THE WI DOW DRESSING LOVE. THE FIX EM AND THEY'LL BE BETTER LOVE. THE I AM NOT WORTHY OF LOVE LOVE. I NEED TO DROP MY GUARD AND VALUE MY LIFE. NOT ALPT LEFT SO CHOOSE WISELY WHO GETS THE BROKEN REST OF ME. I CAN'T SAVE MYSELF FROM WANTING TO LOVE. IT'S EXHAUSTING TRYING TO DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN. I WANT MORE THEN ANYTHING TO SEE EHAT IS THERE AND NOT FANTASIZE ABOUT THE WHAT IF'S, THE PROBABLY'S AND THE HEARTBREAK THAT WILL EVENTUALLY HAPPEN BECAUSE TGE ONLY CHOICES I MAKE ARE BROKEN CHINA, TEDDY BEARS, AND PEOPLE. I CAN'T DO WHOLE. WHAT ARE THEY LIKE I ASK? DON'T KNOW. NEVER TRIED IT. MY HUMANS ARE LIKE MY ART & ANTIQUES. BROKEN, GLUED TOGETHER WITH SPIT AND A PROMISE. SOMEDAY PROBABLY IN MY NEXT LIFE I'LL KNOW LOVE. I AM TOO BROKEN IN THIS ONE.
