A GIFT IS BUT A GIFT

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING GIFTS. THE ONES RAINED DOWN UPON US, SINGING, SAYING. MAKERS...THAT KIND. SO WHAT IF YOU GET A GIFT, DON'T SHARE IT. WHAT IF YOU HAVE A GIFT BUT HURT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU WHILE YOU SHARE IT. YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE WITH IMMENSE TALENT THAT BELITTLE THEIR HELP, HURT THEIR FAMILY, DICTATE THEIR WORLD. IS IT STILL A GIFT? ARE YOU STILL ALLOWED TO REACH HEAVEN? ASKING FOR ARETHA.

WHAT LOVE ISN'T...

I HAVE TRAVELED DOWN THE ROAD OF LOVE. ALMOST 60 AND I'M SURE I KNOW WHAT IT ISN'T. FOR ME IT IS PAINFUL. IT STINGS. IT'S GONNA HURT A LITTLE AS THEY SAY AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE BUT IT HURTS MUCH MORE. IT IS A SEARING PAIN INSIDE RATHER THEN OUTSIDE YOU. I WEAR MY SCARS. ON MY SKIN IN MY LAYERS OF FAT AND IN MY BROKEN HEART. I REALIZED THAT IF LOVE DOESN'T HURT I CAN'T FEEL. MY STRANGE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS..KEEPER OF SECRETS, GIFTS BESTOWED AS HUSH MONEY, SCARS COVERED IN YEARS OF DISBELIEF. TO DATE I AM STILL UNABLE TO DETERMINE IF TRUTH IS TRUE BECAUSE I CANNOT RELY ON MY EYES AND EARS. SO ON I CHOOSE. BROKEN PIECES OF HUMAN WASTE, TRYING TO FEIN SOME SORT OF LOVING LIFE. DESPERATELY HOLDING ONTO A MARRIAGE WITH NO. FORESEEABLE RETURN ON THE VALUE KF WHAT LOVE MIGHT BE. ALWAYS GIVING AND SOMETIMES REWARDED WITH THE SMALL CRUMB OF A SEARING PAINFUL, VALUELESS EPISODE THAT MIGHT LOOK LIKE RECIPROCATED LOVE IF I INDEED KNEW WHAT LOVE LOOKED LIKE. MY MARRIAGE A QUARTER CENTURY OF GIVE. SO I GO. TAKING A DEEP BREATH NOW. I NEED TO LET GO. LET GO OF THE WI DOW DRESSING LOVE. THE FIX EM AND THEY'LL BE BETTER LOVE. THE I AM NOT WORTHY OF LOVE LOVE. I NEED TO DROP MY GUARD AND VALUE MY LIFE. NOT ALPT LEFT SO CHOOSE WISELY WHO GETS THE BROKEN REST OF ME. I CAN'T SAVE MYSELF FROM WANTING TO LOVE. IT'S EXHAUSTING TRYING TO DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN. I WANT MORE THEN ANYTHING TO SEE EHAT IS THERE AND NOT FANTASIZE ABOUT THE WHAT IF'S, THE PROBABLY'S AND THE HEARTBREAK THAT WILL EVENTUALLY HAPPEN BECAUSE TGE ONLY CHOICES I MAKE ARE BROKEN CHINA, TEDDY BEARS, AND PEOPLE. I CAN'T DO WHOLE. WHAT ARE THEY LIKE I ASK? DON'T KNOW. NEVER TRIED IT. MY HUMANS ARE LIKE MY ART & ANTIQUES. BROKEN, GLUED TOGETHER WITH SPIT AND A PROMISE. SOMEDAY PROBABLY IN MY NEXT LIFE I'LL KNOW LOVE. I AM TOO BROKEN IN THIS ONE.